The turning point came for me when I finally got that the effect I was having on other people was more important than how I was feeling. Caring friends would try to help me by telling me this, but I absolutely did not agree with them. I would think, “Who the hell are they to say that? They don’t have to deal with what I’m going through. They have no idea what it’s like.” I felt completely justified acting out of anger and depression on those around me.
But over time I started looking; I started watching how people affect each other, including my effect on those around me. And I could see it was either one way or the other—everything what I did or said either lifted others up or dashed them down.
I was in a doctor’s office one day and a man wheeled his wife in. I noticed that while she wasn’t negative toward him, she wasn’t positive either—she was indifferent. He rushed around the waiting room doing things for her. As I watched them, I realized that even though she was indifferent the effect she was having on him was awful. She had a sense of entitlement that people often have when they’re ill. It was an eye-opener!
One day soon after this, I was talking to my daughter and in the face of my negativity she was unerringly positive. She held her ground but no matter what she’d say or do, I just kept on being negative. And at a certain point she couldn’t hold the positivity any more. It was sucked right out of her. I saw it happen right in front of my eyes. It absolutely horrified me because I knew it was my doing.
This event was a big turning point. When I saw the effect of what I had done, I committed within myself to never do that to another person again. This has become a guiding principle in my life. I view it as a practice. I’m by no means perfect but it’s a constant challenge to live up to this. It has shifted my attention away from myself and onto caring about others in a way I didn’t before.
The pivot point in all of this is choice. I have the ability to choose how I’m affecting those around me, regardless of how angry or depressed I may be feeling. The choice is mine. The more I choose to be positive the stronger the ability to do it becomes; in a way it’s self-generating. And even as I write it, there’s something so enlivening about the truth of that. It wakes me up, makes me want more life, I want more of this, I want to go further.
What I’m describing is universal, anybody can do it. You don’t have to have Parkinson’s to do it. But having Parkinson’s is what turned it around for me, and for that I’m very grateful.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Three Causes of Depression
Dealing with depression is often a real challenge for people with Parkinson’s. It has been, and continues to be, a significant and revealing part of my own journey. And this is why I wanted to share the fruits of my investigation into depression.
There are three main causes for depression with this disease. The first is that the Parkinson’s itself is caused by lack of dopamine. I’ve heard that by the time a tremor is visible already 80% of the dopamine is gone. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and one of our body’s mood balancing hormones. So with such a significant loss of dopamine there’s a strong physiological pull to depression.
The second is the medication. I’m taking Sinemet (Carbidopa-Levodopa), and one of the side effects of the medication is depression. I understand that it’s a side effect of other Parkinsonian medications as well. So there are two very real physiological reasons why depression is likely to be a strong pull.
The third is because the disease itself is such a difficult and frustrating challenge. In earlier stages there’s the anticipation and dread of what is ahead. And when you get to the stage that I’m currently at, functionality is sometimes so restricted that there are times when I just want to give up, and anger and depression arise.
So there’s a triple hit there. Almost everybody I know who has Parkinson’s is on
anti-depressants of one kind or another. I decided not to go that route, partly because I’m extremely sensitive to drugs. And partly because I wanted to see whether I could exercise my own volitional capability and choose to not be depressed.
And this is what I’ve been experimenting with.
There are three main causes for depression with this disease. The first is that the Parkinson’s itself is caused by lack of dopamine. I’ve heard that by the time a tremor is visible already 80% of the dopamine is gone. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and one of our body’s mood balancing hormones. So with such a significant loss of dopamine there’s a strong physiological pull to depression.
The second is the medication. I’m taking Sinemet (Carbidopa-Levodopa), and one of the side effects of the medication is depression. I understand that it’s a side effect of other Parkinsonian medications as well. So there are two very real physiological reasons why depression is likely to be a strong pull.
The third is because the disease itself is such a difficult and frustrating challenge. In earlier stages there’s the anticipation and dread of what is ahead. And when you get to the stage that I’m currently at, functionality is sometimes so restricted that there are times when I just want to give up, and anger and depression arise.
So there’s a triple hit there. Almost everybody I know who has Parkinson’s is on
anti-depressants of one kind or another. I decided not to go that route, partly because I’m extremely sensitive to drugs. And partly because I wanted to see whether I could exercise my own volitional capability and choose to not be depressed.
And this is what I’ve been experimenting with.
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