The turning point came for me when I finally got that the effect I was having on other people was more important than how I was feeling. Caring friends would try to help me by telling me this, but I absolutely did not agree with them. I would think, “Who the hell are they to say that? They don’t have to deal with what I’m going through. They have no idea what it’s like.” I felt completely justified acting out of anger and depression on those around me.
But over time I started looking; I started watching how people affect each other, including my effect on those around me. And I could see it was either one way or the other—everything what I did or said either lifted others up or dashed them down.
I was in a doctor’s office one day and a man wheeled his wife in. I noticed that while she wasn’t negative toward him, she wasn’t positive either—she was indifferent. He rushed around the waiting room doing things for her. As I watched them, I realized that even though she was indifferent the effect she was having on him was awful. She had a sense of entitlement that people often have when they’re ill. It was an eye-opener!
One day soon after this, I was talking to my daughter and in the face of my negativity she was unerringly positive. She held her ground but no matter what she’d say or do, I just kept on being negative. And at a certain point she couldn’t hold the positivity any more. It was sucked right out of her. I saw it happen right in front of my eyes. It absolutely horrified me because I knew it was my doing.
This event was a big turning point. When I saw the effect of what I had done, I committed within myself to never do that to another person again. This has become a guiding principle in my life. I view it as a practice. I’m by no means perfect but it’s a constant challenge to live up to this. It has shifted my attention away from myself and onto caring about others in a way I didn’t before.
The pivot point in all of this is choice. I have the ability to choose how I’m affecting those around me, regardless of how angry or depressed I may be feeling. The choice is mine. The more I choose to be positive the stronger the ability to do it becomes; in a way it’s self-generating. And even as I write it, there’s something so enlivening about the truth of that. It wakes me up, makes me want more life, I want more of this, I want to go further.
What I’m describing is universal, anybody can do it. You don’t have to have Parkinson’s to do it. But having Parkinson’s is what turned it around for me, and for that I’m very grateful.
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Hi Mags,
ReplyDeletethat is so true that we are always choosing how we will act. and, of course, the higher course of action is not to do things that will bring another person down. what good does that do anyway? it doesn't help you and it doesn't help them or anyone else. choosing and living for the sake of the whole is the highest and best path for everyone.
love, Barbara
Thanks so much for this, Mags. It's so incredible to get an insight into how someone (yourself) is coping with, what for most of us would be, an unbelievable disaster. And yet, the solution is the same: to develop beyond our own self-concern (including but transcending it) and to focus on how we can USE our challenges, first for the benefit of others, and ultimately for the benefit of the whole universe. (I've heard that the Dalai Lama feels grateful to Mao Zedong for teaching him patience.)
ReplyDeleteYou say so much in these posts, and for me, it all builds to the conclusion that you reach here in the fourth one: the more we CHOOSE the positive, the stronger our ABILITY to choose it becomes. The choices that we make have consequences -- the negative ones build negativity, and in just the same way, the positive ones pay off with more positivity.
Keep reminding us!
(Gary, in Toronto)
Thanks for this Mags. It really clarifies for me a different way to relate to people. It has been for me in the past much to do with seeking validation and assurance from other people, and having a sounding board for how I feel. The idea that with each interaction there is a choice of how to relate -- which will either deplete the other person's energy and positivity or augment it and lift them -- is so straightforward and such a great practice to follow. I want to take on this practice!
ReplyDeleteAlison
Thanks Mags, your sharing the struggle that you face is very helpful, really, thankyou.
ReplyDeleteSincerely, Joanna
Dear Mags, sitting here reading your post with my partner Simon, we are both very moved, to be honest I have tears in my eyes as what you are writing is very noble. Having visited you recently, after many years, the effect of being with you was diametrically opposite to a negative experience, in fact, I left you and traveled back on the train feeling more positive and inspired than I have in months. This shift has stayed with me. I have relayed your relationship to your challenges to many people with the hope that they too could learn from this as I am.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Mags, for sharing your experience with such honesty and candor. We are sometimes fools that don't realise how privileged we are.
with all my love and respect
Ereni
xxx
Two items that touched me were the comments on willing one’s way past depression – for me it is anxiety – and your writing about a shared belief by some that we can find a cure that can be shared with all of us who struggle daily with the reality of Parkinson’s presence.
ReplyDeleteMy own experience is that it is very challenging to will oneself beyond the physiological reality of anxiety or depression and I believe also that you can do volumes with attitude and will. I too have to date refused any anti depressants. However I do take natural supplements for boosting neurotransmitters which I find help my random anxiety and occasional depression. I also exercise as much as I can. I bike outdoors year round and have a goal of 2000 miles per year which I have met 4 of the past 7 years. I started biking after my DBS – it will be 8 years in July. I find the exercise helps with mood. There are days however when I just give in to taking a nap, especially when the weather is not very friendly.
I take Mood Sync which is a serotonin booster which seems to help. You can Google it to learn more.
As for the elusive cure...I too have found myself on some days believing that I can reverse this thing. I also believe in divine grace which could cure me but that can not be willed. I find myself moving around the triangle of HOPE - WILL – SURRENDER. After some 22 years or more of symptoms I find myself more and more describing Parkinson’s as a “trickster” – an individualistic manifestation with some common threads through those of us who have it. I can relate directly with what you said about finding a cure to share. Although I have not given up on the possibility I am increasingly focused on the living with it and slowing its progression on a daily basis.
As part of the living with it notion, which definitely has all to do with attitude and will, I have recently plugged into the Davis Phinney Foundation and gotten his workbook “Every Victory Counts”. It is like having a reference for pretty much all aspects of living with the disease including some of the topics that some find difficult to discuss like anxiety, depression, intimacy etc.